The Joy of Being Myself

Just got back frm home..(Erode that is..). Rooted out a bug in my final year project (An Object Oriented, Globally Synchronized, Fault Tolerant Message Passing Interface for Parallel Computing) that had been giving me nightmares for the last couple of weeks…

The most annoying problem with the up and coming generation is that most of us do not have the notion of self-identity. All this generation does is identify itself with something else. Each and every human is unique and wonderful in his own way. Sadly, we throw it all away to be like someone else. Trying to behave like someone else is too fucking idiotic and pathetic. Look at the way we dress. Look at the way we project ourselves like we are hi-fi, decent and all that stuff. Look at the way we judge ourselves based on others’ views. If you talk in English, you are a well-behaved, high class person. I do not know whether to laugh my brains out or throw up when I think about this common view that society holds. I still laugh from time to time when I see the guys working at these posh restaurants and coffee shops. The way they have been trained to act cool and stuff…rotfl.. This is actually necessary when you consider that they may have to interact with customers who do not know Tamil. But the local Tamilians, well, I believe most of them even feel ashamed to talk in their mother tongue when they go to such shops. Since English is better accepted than Hindi as a unifying factor as far as language is concerned, I do not militate against English. It is just that it is meaningful to use it only where it is necessary, rather than making a show of your knowledge of it. Another situation where I support the usage of English is, when you feel when you can better express yourself using it.

One more disgusting thing is the usage of spoons, forks and fucking knives for eating. We are the people who eat using our hands, and it is now out of fashion to do so. Well, damn you motherfuckers who feel that way, or look down on people who do so. Personally, I’ve taken a vow never to use these things as long as I am eating Indian food. It was never really necessary to use these “implements” to eat our food.

I’ve tried to remain as unique and unfettered as possible throughout my short life. I may have faltered somewhere along the way. Still I’m proud that I’ve given it my best shot and will continue to do so as long as I live.

I’ve got a wonderful bunch of roomies with whom you can have an intelligent conversation regarding anything, ranging from the Sri Lankan LTTE problem to Operation Bluestar, from cricket to fencing, from Tamil films to French and Korean films. I was discussing my above feelings with one of them. He said that great people actually never imitate anyone and have their own style till the end. I totally agreed with him, but my counterpoint was that great people remain unique because no one can question them regarding it. On the other hand, if common man tries the same stunt, society badgers him with unpleasant comments.

My conclusion is that we are moving away from our culture and uniqueness as a society, and it is going to take another Indian Renaissance to be what we were, and yet remain globally compatible.

The Vanity of Life

The journeys of the last few days have been quite tiring and I spent yesterday and today asleep for most of the time. Yes, I didn’t even go out on New Year’s Eve. The bed was my solace, and the fan swirling above me was my solemn companion. I now sit here, giving substance to my thoughts as I smoke my final Insignia of the day.

I grow older each day, and I regret to say, that with each mark of age upon me, I smile a lot lesser than I used to. It is a sad thing that one must lose his childhood. For being a child gives you more freedom than the freedom of all men put together. Being a child means that you stay unfettered by the cares of this world, the miseries and sorrow that surround it. Yet, the challenge of being an adult, the challenge of shouldering responsibilities and the challenge of exploring new and unknown things is too great an urge to resist.

But its amazing how fast life can grow dull and dreary. Life seems to hold no meaning to me. Everywhere I turn, the only things I see are people with false hopes, young men who hope to conquer the world, old men who think that they have seen everything, men who think they are superior to everyone around them, men who think they are inferior to everyone around them and people fighting over silly things of no value. All this rhetoric bores me. From what I’ve garnered from my very short 20 years in this world, I’d say that there was a time when honor and justice were the two things that needed to guide a man’s actions. Today, things have changed. It isn’t that honor and justice should not guide a man’s actions, but two other things that are to be given equal preference are intelligence and logic. It pains me to see that we have become nothing but mechanical beings, expanding like a flooding river, devoid of a number of qualities that separate us from animals.

Is it for the mere survival of our species that we mate, grow and engulf the world that we live in? If it is so, then we are doing a very good job out of it. It would take more than a few natural disasters to drive the human race into extinction. What then is our purpose? I have no faith in evolution, in spite of all the evidence that is there to support it. Each man has his own whims and fancies, and I believe this is one of my own. I believe in the existence of God. My argument in support of the existence of God is this: “Look at the things around you. Do you really believe that every thing of nature around you in all its marvelous glory and splendor could have sprung out of nothing? Do you believe that the stars, the sun and the other heavenly bodies that graze the heavenly skies are formed out of nothing but dust? Imagine you had the power to give life. You create different beings, only one kind of which is able to think for itself, and keep them in a box sealed from the rest of the world. The beings that are able to think will at some point of time ponder over how they came to be. Now, if you do not communicate to them in any way, these beings may observe certain similar patterns in the other beings that you created and deduce that they had “evolved”. On the other hand, if you do show yourself and tell them that you created them, they will look upon you as their Creator. As time passes by, assume that you are quite busy, and your creations have grown larger in number and you have little time to look after them (This comparison does not compare you with God, it is just for the sake of illustration). The learned ones of the thinking beings might eventually question your existence, while the faithful ones keep believing. I think that this is the case in today’s world, where we question the existence of the very God who created us, and take refuge in the pitiful observations we make about His creations, unable to grasp or accept the whole grand scheme of things of which we are a part.”

I do not know what keeps me going. I do not know why I’m recording this entry in my blog. Perhaps, deep within my heart, I want to look back one day and say, here is the day I felt that everything in this world is vain. Time will tell whether my opinions change…..